I have been really grumpy lately. Not myself. Crying nearly every day...don't even let me get into how I got when I would look at my kids.
Because I had all of these doctors giving nothing but bad signals, signs, news or what have you that I was looking down the barrel of a 12 gauge breast cancer shot gun and I was not (as if you ever are) ready for that.
No fair! I just returned from New Zealand! I was feeling fantastic! I was getting ready to pull a Madonna and reinvent myself (again.) Us Moms - especially those of us who have been single ones in the past before know what I mean - have had to do that on more than one occasion. So I had been living curled up in a ball just waiting and waiting and waiting for some bloody news to finally come my way and let me know what the next year of my life was going to be like. It wasn't like I didn't have enough to tend with as it was. Cancer? Sure, why not...toss it onto the pile of shit! I'm a good sport and all...but this was pushing even what I was willing to endure all at one time.
Fortunately my appointment was yesterday morning early, so I didn't have to wait long, but wow that was a shocking wake up call. "Oh man, I have to go now...I know I want this over, but I also don't want to go!" As of last week, surgery was a given, no matter what the biopsy results were going to be. Did I mention it was raining and dreary and cold out on the way? This cannot be a good sign.
I get in there and am quickly called back. Palms sweaty, lump in my throat, keeping my shades on to hide tears, as they ask me to wear "The robe please." OMG OMG OMG, if it's negative, why do I have to get undressed, again? So I sit for a few seconds and a chirpy doctor Michelle comes to the door. She sits, she asks one or two questions, sees the pain on my face and says "It's benign."
Excuse me? Did she say benign? That means no cancer right? None? Nada? Zilch? And then after last week them telling me no matter what the results I would need surgery she then says... "And you don't need surgery." OK, now I know they are punking me. They put me through three weeks of hell for NOTHING? A small mini-stroke...I know I had several brain cells just pop, I felt them, they are GONE. And I am pretty sure a nervous break down.
GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE!
So off to breakfast and I at the first real meal I had in weeks. Since eating was off the menu for some time and I think what was causing me to have flu like symptoms for over the past week, fever and all. I ate like I had never had meal in my life! Anyway, I started to feel better really fast.
The next day I got up and decided I had energy. I call my friend Matt and what do two super-stars such as ourselves do when I need to go celebrate? Find a park to play in, buy some sweets & pop at a bakery and take our cameras out. Why? Why not? I have to grow old, but I don't have to grow up.
The moral of the story is? Um....er....doctors like to scare the crap out of you for fun. Well, maybe that is not exactly true. But that is what it feels like. They kinda give the worst case scenario and hope for the best. But damn, there has be a more balanced way of going about this.
The most important thing and the bottom line is:
This cat landed on all fours and dodged another bullet. Whew!
But ladies....do get your yearly mammograms, do your monthly exams and do follow-up for your physicals every year, especially after 40. This shit ain't funny! And the people that love you need you to. Thankfully I do keep up on this stuff and listen to things, especially myself, since I am the only one I talk to most of the time. (Did I just say that out loud?) Oops.
Thanks everyone for all your love!